Late night thoughts

Since I was diagnosed two months ago, I have not had any “Why me?” thoughts. Honest. This not any great virtue. It’s just that I don’t think there’s an answer to the question. More than that, I don’t think it accomplishes anything to ask the question.

But tonight, I can’t sleep. It’s 2:17 a.m., and I’m having twinges of “Why me?”

Haven’t been sleeping well lately. Mostly off Vicodin, but flashes of pain push me to take half of one last night and tonight. I’m still sore from surgery, and the plan seems to be to let me heal for a couple more weeks, and then go in there and make me sore again. More Vicodin haze and boredom. The lovely granny bras for a week again. Then, if that second what at the cancer doesn’t get all the DCIS, I’m probably looking at mastectomy. Three surgeries for the price of one! No, four, because if I get a mastectomy, then there’s reconstruction.

I’m realizing this a going to be long road. I have no choice but to walk down this road. Why couldn’t it be someone else? Actually, why couldn’t it be no one?


About leftbreast

I have had breast cancer. I was diagnosed at 47, and am now 49. I have finished "active treatment," two surgeries, chemo, radiation, monoclonal antibodies. These days, I only take a drug to suppress my uptake of estrogen, since my tumor was highly reactive to that hormone. I have been married to my husband Pete for 21 years. I have a stepdaughter, Maureen, 30, and a daughter, Erin, 10. I've been a freelance magazine journalist for 20-plus years, covering everything from Chinese foreign policy to Catholic nuns to endangered species. I have had a great life. I have lived in Asia and all over the United States. I have spent nights with tree-sitters in Oregon and with astronomers at the Mauna Kea observatory in Hawaii. I've been to a cocktail party on the poopdeck of a British destroyer docked in Shanghai. I've taken the bus to Tibet, and tramped through the cloud forests of Panama with biologists. A magazine sent me on a raft trip down the Colorado through the Grand Canyon; another sent me to cooking school for a week. I have spent time with celebrities, presidents and heroin dealers. I love my work. I have a loving, supportive family and more friends than I probably deserve. I have had the space and time to camp, ski, cycle, garden, cook and spoil my pets (an Australian shepherd, a German shepherd and a tabby cat). If it all ended tomorrow, I would have to say that it has been a really, really good ride. When I was in thick of treatment, I was simply fighting for more time. Now, I'm trying to connect the experience of cancer with the rest of my life, with the time that's been won. I hope the cancer never comes back, but if it does, I'll be ready. That's what this blog is about.
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2 Responses to Late night thoughts

  1. Catherine says:

    I hope your appt. went well today. Really sorry you have to walk down this road. And good question–instead of 1 in 8, why not no one, why not 0 in 8?

  2. leftbreast says:

    Catherine, Yesterday a bit rocky, more for Pete than for me. I’m finding that if I descend to far into anger and fear that it is very, very hard to climb out. Not that those things aren’t there, just that I cannot deal with them right now. Writing post now…Thanks for all your emails and comments.

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